so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
