so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
