capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So much Jack, so little girl.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
