Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
