Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
