if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
