I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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