And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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