I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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