I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
