"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
