omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
