i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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