Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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