I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
