There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
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