Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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