I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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