Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
