Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
