come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
