Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
