So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Drake has all the answers
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
