Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
