Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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