No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
