i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
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