As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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