We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
