Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
this beer tastes like vomit already
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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