omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
