Umm I'm too high to move.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
