I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
