The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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