i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
