I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
