I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
