the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
