WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
