He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
