I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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