the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
