the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
