Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
