They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
