theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
