Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You're a waste of cheezeits
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
