I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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