I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
