FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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